The Relationship Conclusion
by pleasebecinderella
Summary: What if The Stag Convergence had ended differently? What if Bernadette hadn't forgave Howard? {Howardette, WARNING contains depression}
1. Chapter 1

_A/N_

_Hey._

_So, I hope you enjoy this story. Just to clarify that Howardette are my OTP and it would seriously break my heart if they spilt up/got divorced so I do not have any real pleasure in writing this story. I just thought it would be a good experiment and to give it a try._

_Also, in this story Howard did go to space._

_And the writing in italics is Howard's thoughts _

_Enjoy,_

_Caoimhe x_

Reaching for the fridge, Howard Wolowitz pulled out yet another beer and opened it in a number of seconds. Chugging down the alcohol, the former astronaut slumped into a nearby armchair. When he had finished the bottle, he simply chucked it over his shoulder and it shattered all around him. He had sworn not to let this happen. Yet here he was, living in a world of beer and tears. Only weeks ago, Howard had been a happily engaged man about to get married. Oh, why did he ever have a stag?

Just as he went to get another drink there was a knock on the door. Reluctantly, the small man hobbled over to the window and threw back the curtain. The afternoon light stung his eyes. He only ever went out at night, and that was only to get more alcohol. Outside, he saw Raj's red Chevy. Sighing, he drew the curtains again, not wanting to be disturbed.

"Dude," said a voice from outside his small apartment. Howard bought the place after he returned from space. A that point, he didn't really feel like going to space, but he made himself go. And yes, he enjoyed it. It was when he returned that his life went downhill. It was when he returned that he realised that no one cared about him anymore. The apartment was outside of town, so his mother couldn't find him. No doubt she was worried sick. Howard didn't care, though. Raj must have tracked his phone. "I know you're in there, just please open up."

"I don't want to talk," replied Howard in a croaky voice. This was the first time he had talked in weeks.

"Howard, please. It's been four weeks since anyone has seen you! We're worried, man."

"Yeah, well, you just go home and tell everyone I'm doing just fine," said Howard in an icy voice. He didn't know what was happening to him, but he didn't like it. He was turning into a monster, a shell of himself. There was only one person on this planet that could really bring out the best in him.

"I'm not leaving until I see you," a determined Raj replied.

"You'll be waiting there a long time, then," sighed Howard.

"Howard, please, I chose this over a date with Emily."

_You made a very bad decision there, buddy, _Wolowitz thought, but realising that Raj was just going to sit there and bother him all night, he walked over and let him in.

Raj gasped in shock when he saw him.

"I know, I'm a mess, alright? No need to point out the obvious," said a grumpy Howard.

"I don't understand," replied Raj, gob smacked.

_Neither do I. _

"You were happy when you returned from space," continued his friend.

"No, I wasn't. I was happy in space," explained the engineer. "When I returned I realised no one cares about me."

"I care about you," reasoned Raj.

"You have Emily. Leonard has Penny. For God's sakes, even Sheldon has Amy! No doubt Bernadette has a new boyfriend. It was like Penny said; I'm just going to grow old and die alone."

"No, buddy, it's not!" Raj begged him. "Just come back to Pasadena with m-"

"I can't. I'm never going back," said Howard in a firm tone. "I've given you my explanation, now please leave."

Raj looked tempted to put up a fight with Howard, but he knew it was no use. "

Alright. Take care, dude."

And with that, Raj Koothrappali left, leaving Howard Wolowitz alone and feeling worse then he did beforehand.

_A/N_

_I know I portray Howard as a selfish git in this, but I suppose I'm just putting myself in his shoes._

_I hope you enjoyed._


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N_

_Hey guys __  
I jammed my finger in a door last night and it is badly bruised, so if this chapter is short, blame my finger._

_This chapter is in Bernadette's POV._

_Enjoy,_

_Caoimhe x_

Bernadette sat at her table, eating cereal which tasted like cardboard. The majority of the bowl was still full; she hadn't eaten much since her wedding was called off. Everything she ate was tasteless. Her clothes were baggy on her quickly shrinking frame, but she didn't care. Perhaps she had made the wrong decision, calling it off with Howard?

_No, _she told herself. _I wasn't willing to marry someone I hardly knew._

But the more she thought about it, the guiltier she grew. The microbiologist was known for jumping to conclusions and making decisions too quickly. Bernadette hadn't even heard Howard's side of the story.

_No, _she told herself again. _He was the one who lied; I shouldn't be sitting here worrying. _

Knowing Howard, he was probably out every night, partying and hooking up with girls. He went to space in the end; that Bernadette knew for certain. To her dismay, she began to spend less and less time with Howard's friends. She rarely talked to Penny and Amy. Truthfully, Bernadette was still annoyed with them for not warning her about Howard. At the back of her mind there was a voice saying "Penny and Amy are on Howard's side." Perhaps that was true.

_I don't need them. I don't need Howard. I am perfectly happy by myself. _

But she seldom felt happy. One of the only people who were happy that her engagement flopped was her father. He had never liked Howard.

The small woman shook her head as if to clear it.

_I have to rid myself of every memory of Howard._

And so Bernadette Rostenkowski spent the Sunday throwing everything Howard had ever given her into black sacks. Then she came to the engagement ring.

_This is the last thing. Put it in the bag._

But she couldn't bring herself to do so. Something deep down in the pit of her stomach stopped her.

Annoyed with herself, the microbiologist threw the ring on the floor and stormed out of the apartment. She had to clear her head. Jumping into the car, Bernadette drove as far out of Pasadena as she could until she pulled the car over in a desolate alley. She wanted to cry. She wanted to find Howard and apologise. But she just couldn't.

Just then, Raj appeared out of nowhere.

"Bernadette?"

Reluctantly, she rolled down the car window. She didn't want to talk to anyone.

"What are you doing here?"

"I was visiting Howard," Raj replied, confused.

_Oh, great. Trust me to drive to the one place where Howard is._

"Get into the car before he notices me," commanded Bernadette. Raj did as he was told and got into the passenger seat beside her.

"Why are you here?" the man asked her.

"I wasn't here to visit Howard. Good Lord, I didn't even know he was here," Bernadette told him in an exasperated voice. "I just needed to clear my head."

The two of them sat in silence for a while before Bernadette finally spoke again.

"No one will ever love me again."

"That isn't true," Raj replied softly.

"Oh, yeah? Name one person who loves me."

"You're looking at him."

Bernadette found herself looking into his eyes.

_No, I don't want this, _she thought as Raj leaned in towards her. But then she spotted Howard peering out the window at them.

_Actually, let's let Howard know what it feels like to be hurt._

Bernadette closed her eyes and leaned in closer.

_A/N_

_Oh, Bernadette._

_I don't ship Raj/Bernie at all. Never have, never will._

_She just felt like he would help her forget about Howard._

_She was wrong. Very wrong._


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N_

_Hey._

_Just to clarify, Raj is still with Emily. His kiss with Bernadette was a mistake on his part. It won't go any further._

_I'm just going to warn you. There is some very upsetting depression ahead. _

_Enjoy,_

_Caoimhe x_

Howard Wolowitz turned away from the window, unable to look for any longer. How could Raj do that to him? He was his best friend, or so he thought.

_Some friend. I don't need him. I don't need anyone but Bernadette._

But soon the harsh reality dawned on Howard. He would never get Bernadette back. She had clearly moved on. A wave of rage flooded over the short man and he picked up a vase and threw it across the room. "Screw it!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. Perhaps Howard didn't need her. A young man like him, he'd find someone else. But at the very back of his head he could hear Penny's voice.

"_You're just going to grow old and die alone."_

Picking up his keys, Howard threw on an old tracksuit and left his apartment for the first time in weeks.

* * *

Bernadette and Raj had both left by the time Howard reached the bottom of the stairs.

_Good, _he told himself. _I could do without more drama._

The former astronaut began his walk to his car, which was parked in a few blocks away. He received many stares, but Howard Wolowitz did not care the slightest.

_Let them stare. They don't know my story. They don't know what I've been through._

Eventually, he reached his car and he jumped in, turning on the engine.

Howard didn't know where he was driving to. He just needed to drive. Drive until he reached the end of the land. He was going to drive away and never come back. After all, what was there to come back to? His worried yet furious mother? A couple of friends pretending to be concerned about him? Why bother? And so Howard set off, taking one final look back at the city where he grew up.

* * *

Howard drove for days and days on end. Drinking cans of Red Bull and eating only occasionally, he eventually found himself in New Jersey.

_Great, _he thought. _No one will find me here._

The engineer stumbled out of his car and down a narrow road. As he walked, Howard found himself thinking about the future. What was he going to do? He couldn't stay in New Jersey for the rest of his life. But he couldn't go back to Pasadena. He couldn't leave his country because he left his damn passport at home, but he couldn't go back to get it because it was in his mother's house. Suddenly, it all became too much for Howard. His head felt as if it was going to blow up. Voices inside of him told him no one cared. Before he knew it, Howard was standing up on top of the bridge, where the rushing river ran below. If he jumped it would all just be over. All this pain, all this heartbreak. It would all be gone. He took a deep breath.

"Howard?" a shocked voice called out.

_Just jump. They can' t stop you. _

But something inside him made him unable to move.

"What are you doing?" the same familiar voice asked.

Howard looked over to where the voice was coming from. Standing there, hand in hand, was Leonard and Penny.

_A/N_

_This chapter was incredibly hard to write. I just hope it wasn't too distressing for you all._


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N_

_Hey _

_I decided to do a Leonard/Penny chapter now._

_I'm really busy this week so this story probably won't be updated until Friday._

_Enjoy,_

_Caoimhe x_

* * *

"Howard, get down from there," Penny said carefully, afraid that he would jump. "Please."

"Why?" Howard asked, shrugging slightly. "No one cares about me."

"We do. We care!" Leonard replied in a rushed voice. "Please, mate, this isn't the answer."

"And what is?" the engineer asked, being as awkward as he possibly could be.

"There is an answer to everything, Howard! Please," begged the bottle blonde actress. "Come with us."

But Howard Wolowitz did not move a muscle. He just stood there, weighing up consequences in his head. The couple beside him decided it would be best if they didn't move either; one small action could cause him to jump over the edge.

"What are you doing in New Jersey?" Howard asked after a while, still on top the rails of the bridge.

"Visiting my mother," replied Leonard. "What are you doing in New Jersey?"

"I didn't think anyone would find me here," mumbled the former astronaut.

"Please come with us," Penny tried again to persuade him.

A few moments later, Howard shrugged his shoulders and slowly got down from the side of the bridge.

"Come here, honey," said Penny with her hands outstretched. Reluctantly, Howard walked off the bridge and straight into them. "What happened?"

"I fell in love," sobbed Howard.

* * *

The three friends sat around a small table in a dingy coffee shop. Leonard knew nicer places but he knew that no one would be in this one and he was right.

"Can you at least tell us what drove you over the edge?" Penny asked him, sipping her coffee. This was the first time she actually seemed to care about Howard, Leonard thought. Penny had always liked Howard, but she had never honestly thought he would think about committing suicide. Perhaps his bravado was false? Penny had always somehow looked up to Howard for being so confident but, she reasoned with herself, everyone has their limits.

"Raj came to visit me last week," Howard replied bitterly, not touching his coffee.

"What did he do that was so wrong?" Leonard asked, clearly confused.

"Let's see," the scruffy man said with spite in his voice. "Telling me to come home with him, claiming that everyone cares about me and, oh, I almost forgot! Kissing Bernadette."

Coffee spewed out of Leonard's mouth, hitting Penny in the face.

"He what?!"

"Kissed my ex-fiancée," Howard replied, nothing but anger on his face.

"Oh, Howie," sighed Penny. This caused Howard to snap. Bernadette was the only person who had ever called him Howie. This was exactly why he couldn't return to Pasadena.

"Okay," Howard said abruptly, standing up. "Thanks for the coffee, I have to go."

"Go where?" Leonard asked, his voice desperate.

_I don't know, _Howard thought, but he couldn't say that.

"I'm-I'm going to visit my mother," he replied, heading for the door.

"We can drive you," insisted Penny.

"No!" Howard said heatedly. "If I was going to jump off the bridge I would have done it, okay? Goodbye."

And with that, Howard Wolowitz left the coffee shop.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N_

_Hey,_

_So this chapter is going to be in Bernadette's POV._

_Enjoy,_

_Caoimhe x_

Bernadette hadn't slept for days. She had seriously screwed up. Why on earth did she kiss Raj? She hurt both him and herself. And Howard.

_I'm the worst person on the planet, _she thought. _I only kissed him to hurt Howard._

After Howard walked away from the window, Bernadette broke away quickly and told Raj it wasn't air on him and Emily. He left then left the car, silent and sad.

She wondered what Howard was doing at that moment. The microbiologist took a sip of her coffee and turned on the TV. Her favourite show was on. Bernadette tried to focus on the screen but it wasn't working. Angry, she turned off the TV and picked up her phone.

"Hello?" Penny said.

"I know you're in New Jersey," said Bernadette. "But I need to talk."

"About what?"

"Howard."

"Oh, did you hear what happened?" Penny asked, and her friend could tell that it wasn't good.

"No..is everyone okay?" Bernadette said cautiously, almost not wanting to know.

"It's, um, you might not want to hear this over the phone," replied the actress nervously.

"Just tell me!" the microbiologist snapped. She was in no mood for games.

"Okay, Leonard and I were walking last night and we met Howard."

"Howard?" Bernadette said, confused. "What was he doing in New Jersey?"

"Well, when we, um, saw him," her friend replied slowly. "Bernadette, when we found him he was trying to kill himself."

* * *

Bernadette was out the door before Penny could even try to calm her down. She didn't know what she was doing or where she was going, but she knew she had to go out of the house or she'd do something stupid. When she got into the car, the small woman turned on the radio and turned the volume all the way up.

_Maybe the radio will deafen the screams and voices in my head._

She started the car and drove; she didn't even focus on where she was going. Was this what real pain felt like?

_It better be, because if this is happiness, life isn't worth living._

Bernadette couldn't help but feeling she was the sole cause of Howard's turn to the dark side. He must have seen her and Raj and flew off the rails. She honestly couldn't blame him. What she had done was despicable, Bernadette could see that now.

_I have to see him._

Perhaps it wasn't the best idea. Maybe he'd freak out at the sight of her. But she had to see him. So she took a left turn and within five minutes she was at Mrs. Wolowitz's house. Bernadette prayed that Howard was there. Slowly, she knocked the door softly.

"I'M COMING," came a voice from inside.

When Mrs. Wolowitz saw who was waiting for her at the door, she wasn't too happy.

"Please," Bernadette said hurriedly. "I just want to talk to Howard. Please."

"Fine," replied the large woman in a quieter voice. "But he came home yesterday and he was acting funny. You had better not be the cause of that."

Bernadette didn't reply and walked to Howard's bedroom. Taking a deep breath, she knocked on the door.

"Come in," said a gravelly voice from inside.

Slowly, Bernadette turned the door handle and walked inside. She was afraid that Howard would shout at her and tell her to leave but he didn't.

"Bernadette?"

"Hi," the woman replied timidly.

"Why are you here?" Howard asked, but not in an angry voice.

"I'm worried about you, Howard," confessed Bernadette.

"You weren't worried about me when you were kissing the face of Raj."

"I-I was caught up in the moment. It meant nothing, I swear," she told him pleadingly.

"It's none of my business who you date now," replied the rugged man bitterly. He was sitting on his bed, studying his model rocket. Bernadette had never seen him look so bad. He looked as if he had not ate for weeks and there were bags under his eyes.

"Howard, please," begged Bernadette. "I'm so sorry about what I've done, I made a horrible mistake and-"

"And you want another chance, do you?" Howard finished for her, looking up at her. "Well, you know what, Bernadette? I don't want to give you another chance."

"Please," choked the microbiologist, tears now forming in her blue eyes.

"No!" Howard shouted. "Get out!"

Bernadette ran out of the room, dodging Mrs. Wolowitz and into her car. She had messed up. Big time.


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N_

_Hey,_

_I probably won't be able to update tomorrow or Sunday and then I'm going away for two weeks so please bear with me x_

_I'm getting a lot of mixed reviews on this fanfiction which is really interested. This is more of an experiment fanfiction, I'm just exploring my options and I hope you like it _

_Enjoy,_

_Caoimhe x_

"HOWARD," a voice boomed.

"What, Ma?" Howard replied in a tired voice. He hadn't slept since Bernadette's visit, but he told himself he did the right thing. To Howard's dismay, Penny had called his mother and told her about his incident in New Jersey and now his mother wasn't letting him leave the house alone.

"COME DOWN HERE I WANT TO TALK TO YOU!"

Damn. She'd been talking to him a lot ever since the phone call, but Howard didn't want to talk. He just wanted things to back to normal, to before his stag. Reluctantly, Howard opened his bedroom door and traipsed down to the kitchen. No doubt this was going to be another conversation about him going to a therapist. His mother was sitting at the table, looking slightly nervous. Rubbing his eyes, the former astronaut sat down across from her.

"What do you want to talk about?" Howard questioned.

"It's about Bernadette," answered the large woman slowly. She clearly knew she was skating on thin ice.

"What about her?"

"Don't you think...Don't you think you should give your relationship a try?" Mrs. Wolowitz asked.

"Why?" Howard said, throwing his hands up, exasperated. "You know she kissed Raj just to hurt me."

"I know, Howard," continued his mother carefully. "But you did hurt her. You lied to her."

"It's hardly the same thing," snapped the small man.

Mrs. Wolowitz paused, sighing.

"I'm just saying; you could at least try. You'll regret it if you don't."

"I'm perfectly okay on my own," retorted Howard.

"No, you're not," replied his mother, tears now forming in her eyes. "Howard, I'm worried about you. You tried to commit suicide!"

"I'm okay now," insisted the man.

_Maybe I was too tough on Bernadette._

"Please, talk to Bernadette soon," sighed Mrs. Wolowitz.

"What's the rush?"

"She's thinking of moving to London."


End file.
